Sunday, August 5, 2012

this is a difficult thing for me to talk about

I've talked before about depression before and how it effects people like myself; Transwomen, transmen, genderqueer and questioning alike. This one is different... it's a component of my depression, a big one. Self Hatred. more than just doubt, this one this hatred leads to self destructive behaviours that often cannot even be recognized.

Suicidal thoughts are easy enough to recognize, suicidal attempts as well. The quiet self hatred often shows up in self care issues... eating habits, personal environment care, self care, hygiene, isolation. All these and more can drag you deeper into depressive cycles.
When you care more about others than your self, when their comfort and happiness matters more to you than your own... this is a bad thing... you are supposed to love yourself, your ego is supposed to need this...

In my own personal case, i spent 38 some odd years loathing myself. I hid it well, i guess... funny guy and everything. I hid lots of stuff, from myself most of all. Now the dams are breaking and so much is coming home to roost. i didn't do anything wrong by the laws of the land, but i was not a good person, i was withdrawn, bitter and generally sarcastic. i had no faith in anything and any optimism i had soured into cynicism. i don't even know how much money i spent but even with several good jobs, i have very few assets to show for many years of work. i didn't substance abuse, but with the fog i lived in, i never needed too.

Now i find myself in a near constant state of anxiety and annoyance... i suppressed most of my emotions for so long that the negative ones surface frequently. and the self hatred is strong... i can see so much neglect in my life and it's all me...

Sorry for the bummer, but i had to get this down.

1 comment:

  1. a lot of us have been there including me Diana, in my case I totally repressed it due to a trauma, although it tried to resurface several times, I wound up beating it down along with the other memories. until this last November/December. while I didn't become a mean person, pretty much the rest of what you talk about fits me to a tee. got over weight, ingnored teeth care, etc, etc took care of others at the expense of my self, until the last person I had to care for died. my last anchor to keep the storm at bay was gone. after some news the dams started to crack and over a couple of months bit by bit they crumbled until a simple song broke them totally. you are NOT alone, never feel that way, we are with you in heart mind and spirit.