Saturday, February 12, 2011

The nitty gritty on transitioning as an older T* , part 2

First off...welcome to all my new followers! <Glee> Who knew I'd get 6 followers in five days! I hope I am writing stuff that will be useful to younger T* girls of all stripes (more on that later).

Secondly, where the heck did i leave off... oh yeah, 10 some odd years ago, about 2001. Our heroine has just had an emotional break with both reality and the film industry. After laying around being a misery-guts, the media and world intrude on her little self imposed prison (I'll leave guessing as to the intrusion as an exercise for the student), and give her a severe slap to the brain.

Between November of 2001 and may of 2002 I tried to be as brutally honest with myself as I could... I started therapy with a councilor who really helped me dig away at the concrete wall I had built around my 'self'. it was around mid June of 2002 when the ding of reality hit me.. you may know it, the "Sh*t, I'm a woman!" moment.
suddenly, all the memories that I had so diligently buried started coursing through the wall like a dam about to burst. I was happy and sad and furious and in pain and angry at the world and angry at my family and angry at me...especially angry at me. How could i have sacrificed so much of myself, for really so little happiness.

well, now i was on the right track, i found a psychiatrist, who after a total of two sessions agreed with me and gave me a diagnosis of gender dysphoric... finally, someone understood me! Then i was recommended to an endocrinologist... blood tests galore and i got the prescription in my hand that would solve my problems... oh was i ever naive for a 36 year old. more councilling followed as well as a growing fear that i was being stared at...  apparently gender dysphoria was the least of my difficulties... my self image was making me depressed and i stopped going out as i started to fear people... social anxiety coupled with chronic depression.... i was withdrawing...

by 2005 i was classified disabled due to agoraphobia... but i discovered art through therapy and suddenly my creative side emerged. that one caught me by surprise... the urge to write also was new and it led to my first novel, The Enhanced: TRI ( ). so... at this point, i still have to shed about 100 pounds (the tits are good though), get my beard yanked (ka-ching), get hair installed on my sunroof (ka-ching, kaching), facial reconstruction, dermal smoothing, tummy tuck, hips, ass, tits... yeah... and SRS... could be worse... at least my mind feels more comfortable now i've made an effort.

I'm gonna whomp up a cost table for why i figure that it'll cost me 6 figures for my next entry... till then, remember, there's hope, there are others like you, and it will get better...


Thursday, February 3, 2011

The nitty gritty on transitioning as an older T* , part 1

Look, I'm pretty sure we all have known, in one way or another about who we really are inside from a very young age... about the same age that we realize that boys and girls are different, and we are on the wrong side of the different. I grew up with older sisters, so the difference was fairly obvious to me by about age three.

Now, if I knew about the wrongness at age three, Why, you may ask, did it take me till I was 36-37 years old to admit who I was and try to move forward?... well simple answer... I was at least 25 before I knew I wasn't alone in this desire/need/compulsion. Growing up, I didn't have access to information that didn't come out of medical books or porn stores.What I had plenty of was shame.

T* people were looked upon with ridicule and/or horror, as deviants and freaks. It took me till I was twenty something to discover anything even resembling acceptance...up till then... I had been caught twice cross dressed by my parents, who shamed me and whisked me off to the shrinks... the only shrink who even asked me if I wanted to be a boy or a girl, did so with my parents present...making my decision impossible... shame won out.

After that... I buried my true self deep that I would have serious depressive episodes and even fugue states where time passed that I had no memory of. It is no small wonder to me that I survived at all... I became a societal sleep eat... the occasional guilty trips to a cross dressing service followed by angst and guilt again.

In the late 80's early 90's, a miracle appeared to me... something that a lot of people now take for granted, but it was a life line to me... the internet. I finally discovered I wasn't alone, that I wasn't a freak. I still had years of shame to throw away, but it was a light...

In 2002, I finally admitted to myself that I was a woman. 35 years after I realized it the first time.