Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Out and Aboot!

So, i went out yesterday for lunch with my sister and some friends who were in town for the day. i have been trying to venture out as myself more and more. even when dressed down, I'm starting to get recognized for who i am and it's gladdening. my point is, even though I'm sure i gave some of the people some interesting dinner table conversation, everyone around were unceasingly polite and in most cases, downright friendly. This makes me feel good, however, i do feel sad for others like myself in the world who aren't as lucky as i am. to feel shame, scorn or even violence for being yourself makes me weep sometimes. I am so lucky to live in Toronto, Canada. my prayers go to those who aren't as lucky as i am.
Diana Howe

Sunday, August 5, 2012

this is a difficult thing for me to talk about

I've talked before about depression before and how it effects people like myself; Transwomen, transmen, genderqueer and questioning alike. This one is different... it's a component of my depression, a big one. Self Hatred. more than just doubt, this one this hatred leads to self destructive behaviours that often cannot even be recognized.

Suicidal thoughts are easy enough to recognize, suicidal attempts as well. The quiet self hatred often shows up in self care issues... eating habits, personal environment care, self care, hygiene, isolation. All these and more can drag you deeper into depressive cycles.
When you care more about others than your self, when their comfort and happiness matters more to you than your own... this is a bad thing... you are supposed to love yourself, your ego is supposed to need this...

In my own personal case, i spent 38 some odd years loathing myself. I hid it well, i guess... funny guy and everything. I hid lots of stuff, from myself most of all. Now the dams are breaking and so much is coming home to roost. i didn't do anything wrong by the laws of the land, but i was not a good person, i was withdrawn, bitter and generally sarcastic. i had no faith in anything and any optimism i had soured into cynicism. i don't even know how much money i spent but even with several good jobs, i have very few assets to show for many years of work. i didn't substance abuse, but with the fog i lived in, i never needed too.

Now i find myself in a near constant state of anxiety and annoyance... i suppressed most of my emotions for so long that the negative ones surface frequently. and the self hatred is strong... i can see so much neglect in my life and it's all me...

Sorry for the bummer, but i had to get this down.