Saturday, February 12, 2011

The nitty gritty on transitioning as an older T* , part 2

First off...welcome to all my new followers! <Glee> Who knew I'd get 6 followers in five days! I hope I am writing stuff that will be useful to younger T* girls of all stripes (more on that later).

Secondly, where the heck did i leave off... oh yeah, 10 some odd years ago, about 2001. Our heroine has just had an emotional break with both reality and the film industry. After laying around being a misery-guts, the media and world intrude on her little self imposed prison (I'll leave guessing as to the intrusion as an exercise for the student), and give her a severe slap to the brain.

Between November of 2001 and may of 2002 I tried to be as brutally honest with myself as I could... I started therapy with a councilor who really helped me dig away at the concrete wall I had built around my 'self'. it was around mid June of 2002 when the ding of reality hit me.. you may know it, the "Sh*t, I'm a woman!" moment.
suddenly, all the memories that I had so diligently buried started coursing through the wall like a dam about to burst. I was happy and sad and furious and in pain and angry at the world and angry at my family and angry at me...especially angry at me. How could i have sacrificed so much of myself, for really so little happiness.

well, now i was on the right track, i found a psychiatrist, who after a total of two sessions agreed with me and gave me a diagnosis of gender dysphoric... finally, someone understood me! Then i was recommended to an endocrinologist... blood tests galore and i got the prescription in my hand that would solve my problems... oh was i ever naive for a 36 year old. more councilling followed as well as a growing fear that i was being stared at...  apparently gender dysphoria was the least of my difficulties... my self image was making me depressed and i stopped going out as i started to fear people... social anxiety coupled with chronic depression.... i was withdrawing...

by 2005 i was classified disabled due to agoraphobia... but i discovered art through therapy and suddenly my creative side emerged. that one caught me by surprise... the urge to write also was new and it led to my first novel, The Enhanced: TRI ( ). so... at this point, i still have to shed about 100 pounds (the tits are good though), get my beard yanked (ka-ching), get hair installed on my sunroof (ka-ching, kaching), facial reconstruction, dermal smoothing, tummy tuck, hips, ass, tits... yeah... and SRS... could be worse... at least my mind feels more comfortable now i've made an effort.

I'm gonna whomp up a cost table for why i figure that it'll cost me 6 figures for my next entry... till then, remember, there's hope, there are others like you, and it will get better...



  1. I am so grateful you are sharing your experiences. This is valuable.

    I have an intake appointment for a trans-specific physician. I was told by the endocrinologist that I cannot get hormones without a psychologist/psychiatrist/psychotherapist attached, so now I am focusing on getting that.

    Did you not find that hormones were a helpful solution?

  2. I'll answer you here Bubblepopmei, and expand on this in a new post. Yes Hormones have helped me in ways even i had a hard time comprehending at first. there is a theory that states that T* girls brains are more like genetic female brains. this is still being researched, however i will state from experience, that the CES i'm on does calm the depression a bit, lets you process your emotions a bit easier and the overall relief of having the "correct" hormonal balance is palpable. so by all means, if this is the road you're on as a T*girl, they do, as i said, the tits are great

  3. I'm really enjoying reading about your experiences. It's important to tell such stories because those who may feel they have no outlet or have no one to look to for examples can find journey's like yours.