I've been looking forward for so long, i forgot to move forward

Greetings and happy 2012, if you follow the Gregorian calendar. Well... since my last post on the Transgendered Day of Remembrance, Stuff has been happening... I started to attend an Anxiety and Depression group, to whom i outed myself... it was odd, there is a Trans Man in the group who looked very uncomfortable, and all of a sudden, i'm introducing myself as Diana and going into who i am, but everyone has been very accepting of me and i can feel their love and concern... My sister, Mel has accepted me as her sister and it is glorious... at least i will have the support of one of my blood family as i *ahem* move forward.

I have been writing fiction also for the last six months at an online site called Big Closet and my work has been pretty well received if you would like, you can read it here. I may have also mentioned my novel The Enhanced: TRI, but enough shameless self promotion. while writing at the site i have (virtually) met and built an online 'Family' if you will, who have given me such love and support that i have finally been able to break my paralysis.

Since December, i have made Doctors appointments and printed out referral forms for the CAMH Gender Identity Clinic, The Toronto YMCA, to try to dump at least 100 pounds of excess weight, which with my diabetes could be the death of me, gotten the paperwork for an official name change and best of all...

 I came out to several co workers at the bingo hall where i volunteer... six in fact, and none of them tried to beat me senseless... in fact all were accepting and most were very happy for me.

I guess what i am trying to show is that you can move forward even in baby steps. i don't know when i will be complete, but i am sure as heck back on the road.

Blessings and loving wishes to you all,
Diana

The Day Of Remembrance

I both love and hate this day so much.

I hate it, because of the hatred and fear that has cost so many lives, I hate that the MSM* will mostly ignore the day and what it stands for because our "demographic" isn't big or rich enough to be anything more than a source of Outrage or amusement...I hate that my own fear has kept me from being who I know I am.

I love it, for it draws we survivors closer and makes us stronger. I love the fact that so many of us are growing and becoming who they are... 

I love that even dragging my feet, I am becoming who I know I am.

For those we have lost... through Hatred, Sadness and Ignorance... I remember

Diana

*main stream media

Autumn and S.A.D.

It's now three days after Daylight Savings Time ended and the days are now noticeably shorter. There was a full moon yesterday afternoon at 5 pm... not a pale moon in a blue sky, but the full on moon in a dark, indigo sky.

This brings to mind, for most people, cosy family dinners, maybe a glass of wine and a book by a fireplace or just a good evening of Dancing With The Stars.

But for many this time of year brings on Seasonal Affective Disorder, or S.A.D.
Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is episodes of depression that occur at a certain time of the year, usually during winter. The disorder may begin during the teen years or in early adulthood. Like other forms of depression, it occurs more often in women than in men.People who live in places with long winter nights are at greater risk for SAD. A less common form of the disorder involves depression during the summer months.Symptoms usually build up slowly in the late autumn and winter months. Symptoms are usually the same as with depression:

• Increased appetite with weight gain (weight loss is more common with other forms of depression)
• Increased sleep and daytime sleepiness (too little sleep is more common with other forms of depression)
• Less energy and ability to concentrate in the afternoon
• Loss of interest in work or other activities
• Slow, sluggish, lethargic movement
• Social withdrawal
• Unhappiness and irritability

I, like many of us in the gender gifted community deal with depression on a regular basis, however when you also factor S.A.D. in, it is easier to hit the tipping point into a deeper depression... i speak, of course, only from my personal experience, as always YMMV*.

How do i deal with it... well i have a full spectrum lamp that i will sit under like a big old flower *giggles* and some others seem to think this helps.
"Light therapy using a special lamp with a very bright fluorescent light (10,000 lux) that mimics light from the sun may also be helpful.

• Follow your doctor's instructions about how to use light therapy. A common practice is to sit a couple of feet away from the light box for about 30 minutes every day. This is usually done in the early morning, to mimic sunrise.
• Keep your eyes open, but do not look straight into the light source."
• other things that can help... a daylight walk, or any activity that gets you out of your usual spaces or routines. to wit...
"As with other types of depression, antidepressant medications and talk therapy can be effective.
Taking long walks during the daylight hours and getting exercise can make the symptoms better. Keep active socially, even if it involves some effort."

Remember, as always I Am Not A Doctor. If you suspect you are suffering from any form of depression, long or short term, cyclic or seasonal, contact your doctor or mental health professional, but always recognize the signs.
Remember, as i always say, the gender gifter are special people, Take care of yourselves.

Biggest, Warmest Autumn Hugs!
Diana

*your mileage may vary

Sorry i was away

I had an odd summer this year, odd because i didn't allow myself to enjoy it as i should have. odd also because right on the heels of writing about depression and T* people, i fell into a major depressive episode. Life, it seems is a witty MF sometimes.

Life BitchSlapped Me

I tended to get over focused on the mundane routine, only leaving my abode to do things that really didn't impact my life. i did my work, i came home, i shopped, i came home... too damn normal. And i didn't realize it at the time, i wasn't happy. the meds dulled me to a point that i functioned.  nothing more.

Functional Moongoddess, Less Than Fab.

I withdrew in my private time... books were losing meaning and TV... well... moments of laughter, faded quickly. it wasn't till august that i noticed how deep the pit was, AH! but... i found a grouping of stories... well yes, T* stories, but superheroes! Hooray!... i can write something for this genre, i'm a geekette and a writer... all of a sudden... i'm writing again... fiction and branching out into original fiction (yes T*) but well received...?! OK... WTF? the main thing is, i began to feel again (barf, Cliche)... mostly anger at first.

ARRRRGH... Must Smash Stupidity!

Lately i have found a slight balance, but the reason i write today, is as a warning and case study... even if you are aware of your own tendency toward depression, you must be alert to it's warnings... learn your cues and your triggers. I was lucky this time because of a lot of people talking to me and talking me down, but until you have looked at a bottle of anti depressants and wondered if you could OD on them. I was Lucky.
I hope that my blathering on can help others.

A bit wiser, a lot happier.

Love to you all, take care of yourselves!
Diana

Depression and T*ism

On May 3, 2011 @ 6:14 PM Quay Summer said...

"I like your writing style, I hope you keep posting, it's May and you haven't in a while."

First of all, thank you very much Quay, for the lovely comment and for reading the blog. It makes me happy to know that people are interested in what I have to say. That being said, it also brings me to the topic of this episode... Depression and T*ism.

From PubMedHealth "Depression may be described as feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods.

True clinical depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for a long period of time."

It's hard enough to just be an individual in modern society, when you are gender gifted it can be heartbreakingly hard. You carry a secret around with you that at the very least can expose you to ridicule, and at worst can lead to death at the hands of the intolerant. Want proof? http://www.boingboing.net/2011/04/26/transgender-woman-be.html 

This poor woman was taunted and beaten by two teenage girls in a McDonald's while a pimply faced employee filmed it on his phone and is heard warning the teenagers to run from the police. We T* people have been raped, beaten, and killed just because we don't fit the standard bi gendered picture that most of our modern societies hold.

Depressing stuff, but if you are prone to any of the forms of clinical depression like I am, it can drag you down and pull the hole in after you. I was diagnosed with cyclic clinical depression in the late 1990's. in truth, I've probably been depressive most of my life. My mother used to have two or three day "Headaches" that I now truly believe were depressive episodes. 

Is depression genetic, the jury is still out on that one, all I know is that I was predisposed to dark days even before I admitted who I was to myself and others. 

From PubMED Health "The exact cause of depression is not known. Many researchers believe it is caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, which may be hereditary or caused by events in a person's life.

Some types of depression seem to run in families, but depression can also occur in people who have no family history of the illness. Stressful life changes or events can trigger depression in some people. Usually, a combination of factors is involved."

Now, among the meds I'm on (including CES and Cipro) are anti depressants and anti anxiety medications and they work most of the time, however there are certain triggers for me that can trump even the meds, and when my darkness hits, it's a struggle to get out of bed let alone do anything creative. 

"Depression can change or distort the way sufferers see themselves and their lives, as well as other people around them. People who have depression usually see everything with a more negative attitude, unable to imagine that any problem or situation can be solved in a positive way.

Symptoms include:

• Agitation, restlessness, and irritability
• Dramatic change in appetite, often with weight gain or loss
• Extreme difficulty concentrating
• Fatigue and lack of energy
• Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness
• Feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, and inappropriate guilt
• Inactivity and withdrawal from usual activities, a loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed (such as sex)
• Thoughts of death or suicide
• Trouble sleeping or excessive sleeping

Depression can appear as anger and discouragement, rather than as feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. Use of alcohol or illegal substances may be more likely to occur.

If depression is very severe, there may also be psychotic symptoms, such as hallucinations and delusions. These symptoms may focus on themes of guilt, inadequacy, or disease."

All true and if you feel this way, it's hard to feel fabulous and love who you are. and if you feel bad enough, you might try to harm yourself.

From Laura's Playground "The National suicide rate is 3 per 100,000 People. The Transgender Transsexual suicide rate is 31% of our group. Over 50% of Transsexuals will have had at least one suicide attempt by their 20th birthday. Even more self harm themselves daily either by cutting or self mutilation."

Grim statistics, but if I can frighten one person into seeking help, I feel that I've done something good, so here's another good link, this time from the website of Diane Wilson: Depression Self Check

To sum up, we are all bound to be depressed in our lives, but, In my opinion, the gender gifted are probably more prone. If you feel depressed more often than not, take the self check, or Google Depression Self Tests, It might just save your life.

On health and Hormones

Hi ladies!... I'm recovering from a very bad bout of Bronchitis and it led me to ponder on the subject of T* health. Face it, we are unique individuals in a world of unique individuals. First thought... if you are considering taking, or are currently taking Hetrotypic* Hormones, either by scrip or on the sly... blood tests are not just important, they are urgent... female hormones are very very powerful, I'd say even more so than male hormones. they can effect and damage many of your vital organs, kidneys and liver especially. they can increase your risk of breast cancer, so, self exams are a must, and not as much fun as you might think.
Next, smoking. Don't. Quit if you do, but smoking and HRT** do not mix... you will rocket into a very high risk group for heart disease and stroke.

Exercise... it sounds sexist but this is true... Men lose weight easier than women do... and the culprit is Estrogen. so if you are over your target weight for a woman of your height, and haven't started HRT yet, lose it now. take it from me... it don't go easy after you've been taking hormones. Don't believe me? Ask any woman trying to shed the 'baby weight'. Diet and exercise are your best friends.

Mental health is a whole 'nother subject and I will post at length, but one thing I will say now is that we gender gifted, ever at odds with, most if not all societies, have a greater chance of being depressed than most people and that includes our T* Brothers as well as you Sisters. Learn the signs of Depression and if you think that it sounds like you, please, please, please seek help. to many brilliant T*'s die by their own hands.

*Hetrotypic... basically opposite. hetrotypic hormones are estrogen and progesterone for men and androgen and testosterone for women
**HRT hormone replacement therapy.

Tonight we dine in....Scarborough!

Hi Ladies and associated T* people, Had a bad couple of weeks but I did have a couple of good blog ideas that I'll post this week...including one on the care and feeding of your mental health... trust me, it's important.

Huggs to you all,
Diana, moon-goddess at large